CLOSED TO THE PUBLIC INDEFINITELY

Please comment here if I somehow missed you when making the rounds with my new username. I rushed to get it done, and I know I missed some of my favorite people that way.

Hi victimofsociety! It's been 852 (wow, that's a big number) days since you joined Xanga...

A big number indeed, and what a journey it's been.

This journal is pending retirement.

Nothing has changed. Well, plenty of things have changed, but it has been so subtle over such a long period of time that it's as if nothing is different. But I'm not the same person I was 852 days ago. I still worry about how I look, what I weigh, what I eat, what I do. I'm still shy as hell. But I'm different.

I'm not a victim. When I made this username, I was at a very low point in my life. [I talk about this like it was forever ago, but it was only two and a third years ago.] I hated who I was, and that idea was reinforced by my boyfriend at the time who constantly tried to break us up without doing it himself, strayed towards other girls and showed absolutely no interest in me. I was, in a sense, a victim, but not of society. I was my own victim, forcing myself to believe that I was this grotesque, worthless and  undesirable creature that no real man would ever want to lay his hands on. If I had only seen that this was not who I was, not even thirty pounds heavier than I am now. Oh well, hindsight is always 20/20.

I will not be deleting any old entries. I cannot erase who I was, in fact I appreciate that girl who timidly entered this underground community on a whim one day after triumphantly walking off the scale for the first time, knowing that there was a way to make this work.

My views have changed. I'm much more focused on making myself healthy and fit in the stead of my old image of model perfection. I don't have the complexion for it, anyway. But I know that old demon will creep up on me unexpectedly one day, poking at the rolls in my belly and saying that it's okay to skip breakfast today.

I could never tear myself away from you all completely. I love you dearly, many of you have become as much a part of my life as any of my real friends. In fact, if it's relevant for me to bring any of your stories up in conversation, I always refer to the girl in question, nameless, as "my friend."

So once I've decided on beginning anew, I will make it a point to get around to everyone I actively comment on. If I'm on a protected list, I'll comment with this username and give you the new one, so you may remove this one and add the new one. Before I do this, in case that I miss you, please comment below telling me if you'd like notice when this happens. Or, if you don't want me to bother. That's fine too. Maybe I'll just post it here... I'll see how I feel about the two people who I know read this and shouldn't, if I care that they continue.

Now, I'm done being cheesey for tonight. I swear, I wrote this all in one sitting just after I logged into Xanga. I'm pretty impressed with myself .

I can't stress how dear you all are to me, and I thank you so much for accompanying me on my quest to find myself and my worth.

[And, as follow up to my last post, I am not pregnant. ]

Weight is doing terrible. I can't keep myself from eating. I really, really, really hope it's just PMS...

...because I'm already 4 days late.

LW Today... 115.6
HW today [aka right now..]... 118.8 Oh well... I tried really hard, too.

I'm so cute. New bangs

Messy drawers, A/C and Ayn Rand... the story of my Summer XD

LW today: 114.8
HW today: 117.2 ...

Yesterday all I had was dinner and a few little snacks all day. Today I had dinner, plus a grapefruit and an ice cream cone... which explains the low low weight and the high weight.